Ever had one of thise weeks where everything that seemingly could go wrong did? I certainly have and last week was one of those weeks. I’m going to be very specific and get into personal details about some situations.

Sunday.

A photo is posted on facebook and shows up on my news feed. My soon-to-be ex-husband is tagged. There is a woman in the photo. Now- I knew he’d been actively seeking a relationship since about a week and a half after I left as I found a charge on our joint account for match.com. So I knew this was coming. I was upset, but not jealous. I guess I wish he was the kind of guy thay would be straight and just tell me things rather than me finding out on facebook. Oh well, I keep telling myself there’s a reason we’re not together anymore. I did not message him about it or ask him. It’s not my place. I decided to end the marriage so if he moves on, that is to be expected.

Monday.

I get my divorce paperwork signed so we can serve my ex and file for divorce with the county. I find out my soon-to-be ex-husband blocked me on facebook. I get upset, but it’s probably for the best since he will have to just tell me or ask me directly what’s going on.

Tuesday.

nothing too eventful.

Wednesday.

I’m running late at work and have to hurry up to pick up my kids. My ex is getting served. The divorce process has officially begun.

Thursday.

Nothing eventful. I tell my ex that my grandma isn’t well and she doesn’t have long. He says “I called it 10 years ago”… I think to myself “Is it possible he really doesn’t have a sympathetic bone in his body?”…

Friday.

I find out my grandma, who is in the hospital, has decided to stop being treated. She’s been sick and in pain for a long time, and after losing her husband of 55 years, finally decided it was time to stop fighting. The kids are with their dad for the weekend. I decide to have a quiet night in and watch some movies. It’s a good night to let some emotions out. I talk to the kids on the phone before bedtime. I’m so happy to hear their voices. They tell me they’re at Eagle’s nest with their Dad and his “friend” and that there are 2 kids too. I suspect the worst. I finish talking to my loves, and have a literal meltdown in front of my brother and sister-in-law. I feel hopeless

Side note: My ex and I have previously verbally agreed when other people come into the picture that we’d both wait a while before introducing the kids. Now we didn’t set a time frame, but I had assumed he would talk to me about it before having done that, since it involves our kids.

Saturday.

I wake up in the morning to a sweet text not meant for me. It came from my ex and says exactly this:

“I can’t wait to be your handyman tomorrow! Hope you sleep well and feel better! Love you xoxoxo!
😘 sweet Dreams!”

This confirmed my suspicions. I send a message to him asking him nicely not to bring the kids around her yet – to wait until the relationship is more mature. He doesn’t respond. I pick up the kids to go with me to an event at como where they got to meet a Chloe the sloth and an Consuela the armadillo. While picking them up I tried to talk to my ex and ask him, nicely, not to bring the kids around her yet. He tells me he is going to keep meeting up with her with our kids. I’m furious that he is disrespecting my reasonable request as the kids’ mother. After the event at Como, I bring the kids to visit my grandma, who doesn’t have much time left. My grandma tells me the doctors can’t do anything else and it’s OK because she’s had a good life. We stay and talk to her for a bit.  All my other grandparents have passed away. I still haven’t healed from losing my grandpa, her husband, 2 months ago. I don’t think any of us have. She was asking people about what they wanted for Christmas. Grandma was notorious for finishing Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving. She always had the perfect Christmas. She always spoiled all of us. I feel so lucky to have had her as my grandma and my kids’ great-grandma. We tell her we love her in hopes that we’ll see her again soon. Then I bring the kids to go back with their dad.

Sunday.

I had a relatively uneventful morning. I went grocery shopping and started cooking meals for the week. Planning for support group starting Monday, trying to make sure I have everything I need for a quick dinner with the kids beforehand. I’m excited for church message about closed doors, since it seems like a lot of doors have been closing on me lately. I like the afternoon service since it gives me time to get up and do stuff before church. I pick up the kids for church, and one last visit with my grandma. It’s clear she doesn’t have long. When I pick up my kids, they tell me about how last night they went to a movie in a park with Dad’s girlfriend. They didn’t just say girlfriend though. They said “GiiirrrrlllFrrriiieeeeeennd” like how kids would if they were being silly on the playground. He looks at me after they told me with a look of sheer revenge. Like he only did that because he knew it would upset me. It shouldn’t surprise me though. He always treated me more like a sister than a wife- picking on me, making me feel bad, etc. He then tells me the kids hadn’t had lunch. So I have to somehow figure out how to feed them on the way to church. OK whatever. I’m pretty upset and may have offered him some sign language behind my back as I corralled the kids to the car to go. The message at church is great. I cry, as always, since it is so moving and I’m working through the healing process. I take the kids to say our final good byes to my grandma. The kids and I go home, have dinner, and go to bed.

My grandma passes away.

I fall asleep for about 3 hours. Wake up. Try to fall back asleep. Eventually I give in. It’s a lost cause. I may as well stay up, shower, blog, and make a study plan. Life won’t get easier if I don’t keep working hard.

I hope in life I can teach my kids a lesson that I may not have taken as seriously in my teens, or when I got married. I hope to learn from my own mistakes and start to do this moving forward, this is inspired by last week’s message at church.

1) FIgure out your values. What do you care about, what is your faith, what inspires you and motivates you, etc.

2) Surround yourself with people whose values align with yours. Don’t marry someone who has values that contradict yours. You will either lose yourself and resent the marriage, or you will resent your spouses values, which will cause strain on the marriage.

3) Don’t wait for life to happen to you. Take it and make choices that will honor your values. Do things, experience life, make it happen.

I loved the message about all of our choices summed up are what makes us who we are. I may have made bad choices in the past, but I will work to make better choices moving forward, and that is what matters.

So in that theme, I want to share my core values.

1) I believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

2) I want to do whatever I can to give my kids a successful life, spiritually, financially, emotionally, etc.

3) I want to be successful at work and continue to grow my skills.

4) Some day in the distant future, I’d like to find real love. The kind of love that is a true partnership -making one another better.

5) Pure compassion. I hope to never forget about my struggles in hopes that I can help others with theirs. I hope to be kind and understanding and sympathetic to everyone whose path I cross.

That’s it for tonight. Until next time.

~Struggling Bonnie